???
Having an addiction of any kind is a weird thing. The fact that your mind can be so fixated on a thing that slowly poisons you over time is a huge precedent for fear. But yet people with addiction still continue to consume this poison like their life depends on it.

I suffer greatly from a pornography / masturbation addiction. Every night, I lay in my bed and violently try to pleasure my genitalia, watching that new oh so perfect porn video. Sometimes during these sessions, my mind drifts off into illusion, blissfully thinking that these digital commodifications of an otherwise fundamentally beautiful act of human connection are the true experience to social bonding.

After every session funny enough, the clarity always hits with all its components of regret and guilt. The feeling of this clarity, funny enough, reminds me of the time before I discovered porn. Although the guilt is abundant, I can feel the normal "me" trying to climb back its way into autonomy, confirming that there is a fragment of me somewhere that remains uncorrupted and could possibly hold the ability to end my addiction once and for all.

Yet all signs points to me never being this man again. I am forever tainted, forever unpure.


2026/06/09
It's funny how corrupting pornographic content is to the mind of an addict. One look at it, and then you're, BANG, immediately hooked into the poison. And as you get hooked, there's like this subconscious feeling of disgust that is mixed thoroughly with obsession.

There are some songs that I feel accurately convey the feeling of disgust that pornography. All of them feel disgusting and obsessive in some way.